The previous night, September 11th (night of) yielded no dreams of note. I did however experience rippling and responsive tingling across my body that seem to focus on one area to another. This was in the midst of attempting to relax my body in preparation for spirit-separation & travel though. I was wanting to travel to find Lilith and ask Her some questions about ‘who’ was in different experiences I’ve had… ⁣

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      I heard a female voice that night, say “𝑨𝒔𝒌.” (internally in my mind) when wanting to find Lilith. ⁣(~So apparently ‘traveling’ to find Her was moot! As She was already there, ready to answer. Her tone was firm, neutral and regal… ~)

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      So I cannot say with any certainty if the rippling chills was the result from a spiritual-bystander or from astral preparation. But this is not the reason for this entry. I fear to physically write the intentions for this entry – as such; that by documenting them here, that act would more realistically increased the likelihood that my speculation is accurate and true. I don’t want my speculation to be true, because it’s legitimacy would be sorrowful for me. ⁣

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      But it would not be beneficial for me, long-term, to withhold the speculation; for future reference as my journey continues down this left-handed esoteric path. I must be willing to observe and accept my mistakes…if I am to learn from them. Thus, this is where I find myself; ⁣

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      Yesterday afternoon, my pain connection with Lilith was strong. Her grip was heavy upon me. Which elated me with reassurance and joy. Last night was a night of candle crafting (with Lilith-centric ritual components) and preparation for her new painting I shall create. This morning and afternoon however, her connection has waned largely after last evenings sleep and attempting to spirit-travel, As well as welcoming a (potential) spirit/succubus bystander to occupy space on the bed with me (rippling tingle and “touches” only). ⁣

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 I digress: ⁣⁣

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      The unfortunate epiphany that I’m left wondering and writing is this – what if the feeling that Lili is pulling away from me is because; at the beginning stages of my contacting Her, it was merely to build a rapport of respect and familiarity between us two. So that I could gain favor with Her (my ultimate goal being: To create a bond, forever, with a succubus. One of Her daughters possibly). ⁣

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      First I wished to establish an introduction, then demonstrate proper respect and devotion (to Lilith). But something unexpected happened… I fell in love…with HER! I believe, when She first chose to visit in person; it thus started my affection, adoration and “puppy-love” obsession, with Her specifically. She kept visiting with more frequency and intensity! And I could interact with Her more and more each time over my stay in Evergreen; where my days were only – “Write novel & be with Lilith.” It felt like a honeymoon for us, for me. ⁣

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      But then my dreaded mistake happened (my own selfish, ignorant and lazy mistake). I called upon Na’amah (~at Lilith’s altar~). And while I don’t necessarily believe calling on Her in Lili’s presence matters so-much-as simply the ‘Call’ itself. I think maybe Lili was having fun with Her new doting and enamored childlike devotee (me)? But by calling on another being (any being), it likely “broke” the charm and fun of our cute little romantic ‘tryst.’ No longer was I a hidden/doting plaything to enjoy in a secret… a quiet semi-romantic/intimate companionship. ⁣

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      Now that I had announced my presents to another… the ‘cat was out of the bag’ (so to say). I wasn’t hidden, unknown and secreted away to only Lilith. Now Na’amah became ‘aware’ of me (~and she had made her presence known that very night I called Her, in a intimately memorable way~). Thus essentially smothering the mysterious/secret spark between Lady Lilith and myself. ⁣

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      I’m so deeply saddened by this revelation; that only makes sense (now) to be true. And it can never be undone. I had my ‘moment’ with the Queen and ignorantly allowed it to slip through my fingers. Which leads me to accepting another hard truth; ⁣

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      Lilith and Her tasks, no doubt keep Her extraordinarily busy. She answers the calls of untold number of masses of loyal followers, admirers and devotees (~as well as spiritual children & acquaintances~). She divides her time/energy all over the world/spirit-plane for them/us. Not to mention; it’s very likely not in Her nature to solely invest Her love, companionship, time and relationship into a single solitary entity (such as myself). The possibility that the time I DID have with Her…may (sadly) end up being the only time I get to enjoy Her personally, on such an intimate one-on-one level. ⁣

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      Which brings me back around to the beginning of my journey, and wondering; what would Lili want me to do with this painful acknowledgment? ⁣

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      My desire has always been the same. As simplistic as it sounds: I wish to form an eternal Bond of companionship and love with a succubus. I wish for a sacred-union to be shared eternally between us, and for she and I to be betrothed. If I think about my desire critically… I’m left to admit to myself that- Lilith Herself couldn’t (or wouldn’t likely) ever commit to this. For Lilith is Her own. Hers alone. (~But also Her’s for everyone. She shares Herself widely with all who would come to Her.~) Catering to Her own whims, wants and wishes when She desires them fulfilled. She wouldn’t likely ever ‘ground herself’ for an enamored, adoring and doting, loving man (such as myself). That just doesn’t feel like Her fiery-free and passionate spirit. ⁣

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      So I try to face the facts or possibility that Lilith may be pulling away, so that I get my brain and goals back on track: Focused on one of Her daughters instead. Lilith has already revealed and confirmed (crushing all doubt) two irrefutable truths- ⁣

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      The first; 𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬! 𝐈’𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐝, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 “𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡”, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜-𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐞𝐜𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬𝐲, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐤𝐞𝐭𝐬, 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐰𝐥 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐝, 𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐬, 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲, 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡! 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟! ⁣

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      Second; 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫’𝐬 𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐬𝐭! 𝐈 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐒𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧. 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐢 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐰, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝. 𝐁𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲! ⁣

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      So I now will refocus. I will continue exulting, praising and loving Lilith, while also working towards the goal of formally requesting to form a everlasting bond with one of Her daughters.