My history

My Background...

I grew up Christian, since as far back as I could remember; my family has always attended various churches and encouraged me to attend youth groups. I had no reason or inclination not to. There was even one point when I became a church youth leader for 5 years. I was born into it and was a part of it, for decades.

But, unbeknownst to me; I was pushing myself, my ‘true self,’ further and further away in order to appeal to others and do what was perceived to be ‘the right & good thing’ to do.

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But something clicked in my mind & heart after my 15 year marriage fell apart, followed by a longterm relationship thereafter. I contemplated that; I had just invested 20 years… into nothing. Half of my entire life and nearly all of my adult life.

If I wasn’t a husband, or if I wasn’t a loving boyfriend/partner…what was I? WHO was I? And in reflecting, I realized that it was even worse than that. During my teen years, I was drawn toward spiritualism & the occult. I would get an inkling of curiosity for something ‘esoteric’ or ‘mystical’ … (tarot cards, magical herbs); but instead I would closet my desire and curiosity because I had been ‘taught’ that; such curiosities are “bad & dangerous.”

There was a brief time during my teen years that I wished to wear all black and live solitarily. But after being ‘encouraged’ through guilt and a angry protesting of my peers, I inevitably acquiesced. All my efforts to ‘find myself’ then, seemed to be stomped out by the religious ideals/dogmas of what is “right & wrong.”

My History

Then, in reflecting on my teen years, I remembered; the disassociation from ‘myself’ went back even further. When my biological parents divorced, the new family I was absorbed into (after my mother remarried) had begun calling me by a name that wasn’t the name given to me at birth.

Instead of calling me by my legal name, they started calling me by a nickname; “Charlie” instead. So much so that; I signed all my elementary-grade school papers with this alternate name, never realizing that this name was a fabrication. The erosion of my identity first began long ago. Curiously, when I rediscovered my birth name; it turned out that I was a ‘Junior’ So…even then; my name was just a copy of a biological father who wanted little-to-nothing to do with me.

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I discovered in my adult years that my curiosity and fascination about esoteric, mysticism & spirituality most likely began when I was very young. Possibly around the age of 6, when my younger brother died and my mother and I discovered him ourselves.

After that, I started having difficulty sleeping. I would claim that my ‘brother’ would come during the night and wouldn’t let me sleep comfortably. Apparently, I saw other beings or entities as well and would draw these spirits as I saw them. My mother had saved some of these crayon drawings I’d made of these entities. She passed them onto me a couple years ago.

Conclusion...

Which brings me back around to the current time. I have, since very young, been trying to pursue knowledge of a more spiritual/esoteric manner; but had been continuously denying myself in order to appeal, appease and gain the approval of others. Denying understanding myself, for the appeasement and acceptance of others. This was true in my childhood, in my teen years, and in my 20 years of relationships. I was so desperate to be accepted by others and feared rejection; that the cost was…myself. Thus I didn’t have a clue who I was, what I wanted, nor what made me happy.

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First of all, I decided that it was time to reopen those tightly-sealed closet doors. Pull down the ‘dark curiosities’ from the high shelf and allow myself the freedom to pursue esotericism/mysticism/gnosticism/spirituality. I would also choose to abandon the idea of constantly trying to satisfy/appease others. It was time to take care of myself, for myself. But what of companionship? What were my options? I knew that I desired companionship, after all. I enjoy lavishing affection and having it reciprocated… Who doesn’t want to be loved? But with 20 years spent & lost already, it didn’t fill me with encouragement.

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When considering the subject of ‘companionship’ it seemed I had these options (some unhealthy, some humorous, over-exaggerated and some normal):

Dating Apps for casual-encounters. Dating Apps while pretending the scammers/bots are real. Friends with benefits. AI chat ‘Romance Apps.’ Japanese Bots. Trying my luck building another relationship again (at the risk of investing/losing more years). Or simply accepting that I’ll be alone.

Each option wasn’t great, had drawbacks, or was outright trolling myself. Until, inexplicably… another ‘option’ presented itself within my mind, in the form of a humorous joke to myself… I told myself; “If I’m willing to allow a girlfriend to drain my energy in a relationship; why not just be with a succubus and give my energy away freely? At least I would know what to expect.”

Weeks passed by after I jokingly suggested this option. But then, slowly, I began to wonder:

What if I could actually, truly, pursue the companionship of a spirit? A Succubus?

[To read more on the Origin & Genesis of how my relationship to Lilith began, and how it lead to Her daughters; Read the “LILITH” section.]

My history

My Background...

My History

Conclusion...

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