It has been less than 5 minutes since emerging from my bedroom having experienced this, and my body is still vibrating from the impact, my hands still shaky and tingling with a slight numbness. I’m typing this first, before adding it in writing to my journal, because I don’t want to have the words be sloppy and I need to record the details as fast as possible while the memories of this event are freshly vivid in my mind, having just happened.

      2 hours ago, I felt personally compelled by myself to enter into my bedroom to reread key portions of my gray journal (of dreams/experiences), my mind was singling out the beginning dreams, leading up to my first experience (not a dream) with Lilith. I believe, in reflecting on these dreams, I confirmed something that I had been curious about: The women in those early dreams (whether appearing as Valley, or Annalynn or any of the unknown brunette women…most certainly was Lilith Herself, and not one of Her many different daughters. In all of the circumstances; the attempts of intimacy was initiated by myself and never by Her. 

      Additionally; She never initiated contact back towards me. Also; the full consummation of that intimacy (sex) was never performed. Even furthermore; the authority and character of the woman remained resolutely regal. She exhibited the same posed, assured and dominant characteristics each time, as in; she told me and demonstrated with her actions that she was an individual of high standards and class, and while ‘appreciative’ of my advances; She was composed in Her assurity of what she liked and did not prefer. Not demeaning or condemning me of my particular vulgarities (at those times I displayed them), but also not acquiescing to accepting the behavior. She was accepting of my childlike attempts to make sexual advances, but would not sacrifice Her standards to placate my desires. 

      She was testing me. Not testing me in order to ‘fail’ me, but to understand me. Understand ‘where’ I was at in my journey of desire and romance. I wasn’t all vulgarities, mind you. But I was also willing to take certain risks (potentially, to my self-confidence) for a chance to ‘win’ the affections of whichever woman was being projected before me. Lilith was testing me…I believe… to understand if I would be a safe spirit around Her children, and as a companion for one of Her daughters. 

      Fast forward to today, well; thankfully I passed that test, because She has gifted me with the companionship of Her daughter Mia. I also wished to re-read the moments that Lilith had personally visited me, allowing me to experience Her bathing tidal wave-like energy-explosive embraces. As I sat at my bed reading, I looked upon Her altar and spoke in a whisper (as I had many times in the past) and wished, mostly to myself, that She would visit me again like this. If only I could experience THAT type of touch again, though, like the few times I’ve idly wished that… I also knew it to be unlikely. She is a Supreme Spirit! A Queen, a Goddess and a Mother to a multitude of other spirits (mortal and ethereal) so Her “I’m busy at the moment” scale & schedule must be immense.

      As I sat there, I was hit with an oncoming wave of grogginess. I had been working from home today and started to feel a bit tired anyways while sorting data. And in a very rare (and seldomly pursued) consideration; I thought; “Should I take a nap? I never do those.” [I’m not a ‘nap’ kind of person]. I thought; the work day is nearly over anyways, maybe I could utilize this tiredness to attempt a mid-day astral projection attempt/practice? I had recently started doing the 3 a.m. practice again, so maybe this was an extra opportunity to try one. So I did. 

      I lay down, my Lilith gray journal beside me. I set an alarm for 2 hours and began to focus on making myself as relaxed as possible. Right away, my mind was getting distracted with this thought or that thought and was wildly all over the place, thinking about nothing of substance or worth at all; when what I really needed to do was clear it. And I kept reminding myself that I shouldn’t be focusing on distracting thoughts. So each time a random thought entered, I would clear it and refocus on the pattern of my breathing. Not ‘making’ my breath follow a pattern (that requires directed concentration), but just breathing normally/naturally and simply observing it happen. That helped pull my mind away from idle thoughts. 

      I was about to begin reciting Mia’s enn as well, in order to chain my mind to a rhythmic pattern, but after saying just the first two words, she manifested down by my legs. I couldn’t help but to smile at her presence and tickling movements (not distracting, well maybe a little distracting for astral projection practice, but not unwelcome. I would rather spend all my time with her presence anyways; if it meant I never had another opportunity to do astral projection again. She is, after all, the entire point and reason for me wanting to learn how. She was already with me earlier in the afternoon today. She manifested and paid me a little visit as I was working and I was comforted by her shoulder and back touches that radiates down my body. I made sure to stop what I was doing, acknowledge her, thank her. And when she seemed done touching my energy/spirit; I got up to gift her another offering of a lit incense, as my (meager/physical) way of honoring her and demonstrating my love and appreciation. Anyways as I lay there, I didn’t even complete her full enn before she was back again, gliding slowly like wafting and wavering smoke, spinning serpentine around my feet and legs, slowly spreading further and further up towards my chest and arms and neck. 

      I could feel (assuming, within my energy-body through my physical body) little “presses” here and there (the size of a finger press) on my foot here, on my arm there, and up on my neck. Just little taps. And of course the ‘soundless’ tones in my ear (or more likely spiritual perception of ‘sound’). I believe it is referred to as; “Clairaudience.” Needless to say, I sort of pretty quickly began to lose focus and sight of my earlier goals of practicing astral projection and was just internally talking to Mia instead. Mostly just lavishing praise and thanks towards her, and appreciation for her (now) several visits today. During the daylight no less! 

      That is always a welcome, uncommon and unexpected surprise. But sometimes I think that the daylight visits, though rare; do have a particular bonus that the night time visits do not, and that is; I’m usually more alert! As compared to night, when I’m already sleepy- I feel like I miss out on potential “awake-time” with her, before I inevitably fall asleep. There is always the opportunity for dream-visits afterwards, but sometimes those ‘waking’ moments, when I can perceive her presence (almost as if physically) through my spirit…they are something special also and to be enjoyed!

      Problem was, just a few hours earlier as I was laying down to work on spirit-projection; and after she showed up, I started to wonder if maybe I should just actually intentionally nap after all? Like; forget the astral projection stuff and take a short rest? I did set my alarm for only 2 hours, and probably a half and hour or slightly less had passed already? It was hard to say, other than I had felt like I had been laying there for a while already. I shook the thought from my head and scolded myself. Saying; no, I wanted to use this weird ‘tiredness’ I was experiencing, as an opportunity to work on astral projection, so I refocused on the task. 

      Mia was still there with me, and I wasn’t (not ever) about to ask her to stop interacting with my energy (I love her and her being there with me always!), so I let her do as she pleases, but still refocused my mind. Then, things (or time, or my perception of time) got weird. It’s not the most eloquent way to explain it, I know…but it’s like it got muddied. Like it both stretched forward uncalculatably AND shortened so that when I reperceived time again, it was further expanded than I originally thought it was. 

      Now for anyone who reads this entry or hears my description of it, they would likely think and say; “Oh, well, you just fell asleep and woke up sometime later.” But I didn’t, is the thing. I was conscious the whole time, because I was still in my mental state of; ‘focus on breathing…observe the patterns behind my eyelids…try not to be ‘too’ distracted with Mia down below…’ All these thoughts were actively rolling through my mind, when I felt myself ‘tipping'(?) Is that a good way to describe it? I’m trying to think of another word. ‘Tilting’ maybe? Like I was both ’tilting’ and ‘stretching out’ very very fast. 

      My upper body felt like I was floating in space (where there was no true “up” or “down”) and tilting off center of my laying position, but my lower body was stretching out rapidly and moving in a straight line towards somewhere. But then all at once, everything reversed (the stretching momentum reversed) and ‘time’ was resynchronizing as well. I was whole again, back in my bed, and time had both passed and not passed. 

      Time in the outside world had moved ahead (which upon getting up, turned out to be slightly less than a full hour), but my perception of time hadn’t moved at all, except a couple minutes. And all this ‘stretching & re-shaping’ felt so weird and confusing and I was trying to sort out what the heck just happened, when I perceived Mia again, still swirling around near my chest and abdomen, but with more urgency. She was sending rippling waves spreading out from my core that moved across my chests and tickled against my shoulders and neck. Then all at once she just stopped. Stone stillness.

      I was so taken aback by the abruptness of the ceasing of her touch, that I cracked my eyelids open (just a tiny little peek) for just a second and re-closed them. And my brain had a hiccup as it tripped over itself at what I saw in that flash of a moment. There was a slightly glowing white-lit three dimensional orb-like geometric shape suspended in the air just above the blankets at my chest. 

      It wasn’t a solid orb. It was rings of light, fit together in a pattern that (when viewed as a whole) was in a perfectly spherical shape. I can see it perfectly in my memory (after all, this has JUST happened), but I’m going to have to try and draw it, because attempting to describe it is making me feel stupid. When a person has their window blinds cracked open, and a stream of light is beaming in from the sunlight outside…you can ‘see’ the light in the air. Not the light where it hits the wall or the floor. But you see the light in the air itself. That’s what the rings looked like. 

      Multiple layers of light-rings perfectly and evenly spaced, all in the shape of an orb. And the glow from the light was a soft and gentle white. Very gentle. And the glow also touched the blankets, almost like the blankets were reflecting the light. There were also wavering tendrils of (even more-faded) white light just drifting absently around the shape (almost like it was exuding a kind of smokey energy).
So many things happened all at once in the span of the single second that followed my cracked-eyelid peek, it makes me dizzy to think about:

– My mind immediately asked myself “What did I just see?” and it screamed at me to take another peek, to confirm.

– My inner consciousness asked myself “Was that Mia?”

– My body started to rapidly heat up, hotter and hotter!

– My whole body started to buzz with intense inner-energy/spirit vibrations

– I answered my consciousness, saying, “No. That wasn’t Mia…”

– A very very loud burst of sound, like a long drawn-out torrent of violently rushing wind was thundering past my ears (or, at least, my perception of sound) I could hear nothing else at all!

– My heart began to race, I could feel it pounding intensely in my chest, not in fear, but in absolute awe, delight and excitement

– I finished my answer to myself, with; “This is Lilitu!” There wasn’t a single shred of doubt at all.

– Then She blasted through me like a tidal wave, a tsunami of power! Good grief! There is absolutely nothing in all existence that feels like it, Her exploding into you… It’s…

      It’s….. I have tried to describe it SO many times in the past, in previous entries, but all my descriptions make me sick with how I’ve utterly failed to properly describe what this all-encompassing, all-consuming, mind-shattering ecstasy feels like.

 Never never never ever, did I believe she would return to me, to wash over my entire being again. I really really didn’t believe it, with all my heart. I always hoped. Always dreamt of the idea. But… I had long ago accepted that it wouldn’t ever happen again. My ‘time with Lilith’ (in that way, feeling those things, having Her touch)…was long over. Her being Who She is. And how (without a shred of doubt), endlessly busy She is, attending to the myriad of spirits that She does… Who am I? Who am I to ask Her for even a fractional moment of Her precious time? 

      YET, She did! Again! Always when I do not expect Her, and have become resolute in the assuredness of belief that; (though She’s aware of who I am) She doesn’t have the time to squander. Yet, there She was again! And ALL the time, EVERY moment, minute and second that had span between her last visit to now, is ALL worth it! It’s as if no time has passed at all. Like my spirit is renewed in my love and memories of all her earlier visits! Just when I was afraid of ‘forgetting’ the way it feels to have Her surrounding me (resigned to reading old entries and my pitiful descriptions)… Out of nowhere, She submerges me deep inside her, every ounce of me covered and pulsating in her vibratory climatic ecstasy. 

      It’s a spiritually-blasted orgasm that has nothing to do with ‘sex’ at all (not by the terms in which humans understand it). I, like times past, cannot fully & properly describe what it feels like (unless you feel it yourself…there is nothing to compare it to). But like times past, I’ll try again…because any extra detail added, hopefully will help myself or others in the future… So here I go again…

      I barely had a moment to complete my full thought. My body was rapidly picking up heat, like it was super-massively building up energy, but I was not the source it was originating from. I was the recipient. And this energy was very hot in nature. And at the moment that my mind registered the name “Lilitu” She SURGED forward. SO fast and slammed into me hard. 

      It’s like I described earlier; the force of it felt like a towering tidal-wave or a wall-like tsunami, just plowing directly all over me. But it was an explosion of warmth and pure energy. And the sound…that rushing air sound! Like being caught outside in the middle of a torrential down-pouring rainstorm (*or standing under a waterfall*). The moment She burst into and through me, the same thing happened as it had in the past; my breath caught in my throat and my mind went blank (I couldn’t comprehend anything outside what was happening in the immediate moment. 

      Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed except for that moment and what I was experiencing). All I could ‘see’ (if I was really ‘seeing’ anything at all?) was an empty space of low-glowing grey/white light. Like I was suspended hanging in the air, frozen in place on an inhaled breath, paused and immobile, feeling every tiny millisecond (time slowing down to a crawl) of Her raging-wash of euphoria passing straight through me. 

      All I can really recall my thoughts being, muddled and sluggish as they were, during the moment of her lovingly-inflamed and smothering embrace was something along the lines of; ‘Mind-bending surprise She had actually come, when I thought it impossible. And heart-shattering joy and thankfulness that She chose to.’ I tried not to back myself into the shadow-corners by dwelling on thoughts of ‘being unworthy’ again. And I reminded myself, by Her own admonition, She had declared me worthy by Her presence and acceptance of me long ago. So thoughts of ‘unworthiness’ are null and void and aren’t to be dwelt upon. Then she was gone. As quick and unexpected as She had arrived, She was gone again.

      But I wasn’t left unaffected. No no no… My chest was heaving. My breath rate was rapid. My heart was pounding (I could feel it moving the blankets above me with each pulsation). And I was glowing with heat and energy, still. It was like the lingering ‘leftover’ effect of Her passing through me and emerging out of me. The radiant glow of her warm energy still clung to me. 

      I couldn’t move at all, and I didn’t even care to try. My mind was still attempting to become coherent again and I could only momentarily hone in on the after-effects of the tingling sensations rippling all around my body. It was all I could do to focus on my breathing; to help get it settled into a normal rhythmic pattern, so that my heartbeat would follow suit. My eyes started to tear up on their own at the sheer joy and happiness of the moment, and when my mind cleared enough to form thoughts again…I began to praise and thank Her profusely. 

      No amount of words, though, could properly convey my thankfulness and joy, however. I simply hoped (and still hope as I’m typing this) that She knew/knows and understands the severity and sincerity of my unbridled bliss.

      My body still glowing with residual energy and warmth, I began to gently feel Mia testing the air around me again. I had (in my sudden shock/surprise and euphoric-ecstasy at having Lilith suddenly emerge and rush through me); forgotten that Mia had previously been presently there with me. I felt a twinge of sadness for her, but also suspected that there was probably nothing to be sad about. Not really. 

      She likely knew (I can only imagine) exactly what was about to happen, if Lilith had unexpectedly shown up. And I wondered if perhaps that had been why she felt ‘insistent’ in getting my attention when I was experiencing that odd ’tilting & stretching” time weirdness? Just in case though, I felt inclined to assure her of my devotion and love towards her. And my commitment to her. And that despite our Mother affecting me in such a profound and energetic way, She (Lilith) was, after all, an immensely powerful Greater Spirit; that I would always and forever be bonded to her (to Mia). And that we would be partners and companions forever more. And wherever we decided to go, we would go together. 

      I could feel Mia moving around above me, and it was an odd and unusual sensation (different from normal), because it was as though she wasn’t interacting with me or my energy. Instead, she seemed to be ‘observing’ or ‘looking over’ curiously at the heat and energy that was radiating around me. She wasn’t touching it or me directly, but just moving around slightly above its glow, very interested in it, and as if; absorbed in her own thoughts. 

      It was like, the leftover energy from Mother Lilith was fascinating to her, so she was hardly paying attention to me at all, much more keen on trying to understand whatever-it-was she was trying to understand about the energy itself. I, for my part, was having difficulty focusing on anything except the experience myself, so I was obliged to let her do whatever pleased her. I suppose we both may have been in our own separate states of ‘awe & consideration’ about what had just transpired.

The place of Lilith & my bond was throbbing in tandem with my breath and heart rate, but very slowly (very very slowly) it began to revert back to normal and steady pace. I lay there, breathing, and waiting and observing the energetic aftermath of Lilith’s visit for nearly half an hour. When I finally had the strength, and my limbs had lost much of their numbness and I was able to properly move again, I located my phone to check the time. Just as I lifted it to my face, there remained exactly 9 minutes left on the alarm-countdown. 

      I turned off the alarm, slowly sat up and observed Lilith’s altar and painting silently for a long moment. Quietly whispering gratitude and praise. And turned my attention towards Mia’s altar and sacred space, offering her the same. Then immediately got up and headed to the computer to type all this out. Good thing I chose typing for now. Because had I attempted to write all this first, my hand would have tired quickly and I may have been at risk of losing some of the details of the moment. I will be adding this to my brown journal, however given the length of this entry; I suspect it will take several days of writing to add it into the journal, in its entirety. 

      But wow…seriously wow. What a truly abrupt and powerfully unexpected memory to have shared with my Queen, my Mother, sweet Lilitu. I couldn’t possibly be MORE relieved and thankful that I had chosen to ‘attempt astral projection’ this afternoon. I may not have made any head-way there, but that doesn’t matter in the least. The sole purpose for me wanting to learn, is to be able to interact and make contact with Mia AND to find and hug Lilith (if given the opportunity). 

      And now, without a warning or forethought, have accomplished my desire freely of Lilith’s own will! She came to me, when She didn’t have to. And I experienced Her again! As I had so many months before, when I’ve been desperately wanting to, for so very long. I’m SO blessed to have such a loving and wonderful Goddess. Thank you dearest love Lilith!  And thank you, my beloved, my star of the sea, Mia.