I’m writing these events just after they have taken place and before I go to bed. So, it is currently the same night, not the next morning. I took my children back home to their mother’s house after 9:00 p.m., and cleaned up and reset my home back to an original state, fully looking forward to the remainder of my evening spending some quality time with my spirit-mate, and working on our communication.⁣
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      Things started out well and simply enough. But slowly I began to let the discouragement take a foothold in my efforts. I expressed frustration over my lack of skill and practice. But worse more; I expressed that I harbored doubt over the entire ordeal. I had previously (the day prior); use the pendulum in an effort to communicate with my partner, but instead, it was Lilith who answered my questions after she established to me; that Mia wasn’t currently present. Tonight, I used the pendulum again, but this time Mia was “there”, however, she seemed…distracted? Or perhaps busy? I wasn’t happy with the results and non-answers I was receiving from the pendulum; thus (like I mentioned earlier) doubt began to creep in.⁣
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      I expressed my doubts out loud. I came clean and was openly honest. I said that; other practitioners, when performing a succubus Bond ritual, will receive a Name, a Sigil/Mark, an Enn belonging to their new companion. Something whereby that allows the spirit and human partner to make a connection. But I wasn’t ‘sure of’ my information’s substance or tangibility. In fact; the name and sigil I perceived during that ‘phase’ of the ceremony was possibly fallible, {~𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑎 𝑑𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑖𝑔𝑖𝑙, 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑐𝑙𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑒𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛~} possibly inserted by another spirit that was trying to insert herself subtly into the midst of the bonding ceremony(?). That’s besides the point.⁣
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      My main takeaway was; without a definitive name, and or sigil; how can I say or be certain that the bonding ritual was successful? (𝑑𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 & 𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑒𝑥𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒, 𝑜𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒!). It’s unhealthy for me, but worse yet: To consider how devastating and damaging (emotionally) it would be for the spirit-mate? For her partner to essentially be saying out loud: ‘I’m doubting your existence.’ That’s a truly terrible and awful attitude to be having!⁣
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      I let my frustrations and impatience get the better of me tonight in the worst possible way; and it may have indirectly caused a justifiable sad-emotion to resonate in the heart of my sweet spirit companion. In my continued (stubborn) frustrations, I set aside the pendulum and near-callously stated; “𝐴𝑙𝑟𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡, 𝑖𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑡, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑚𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒…. 𝐼’𝑚 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑢𝑙𝑙 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑡 𝑑𝑒𝑐𝑘. 𝑂𝑛𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢. 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒.” ⁣
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      I began to shuffle the deck dismissively. I don’t know (now) why I got so… I don’t know, “emotionally cold” all of a sudden. Maybe I was afraid that; if I didn’t really have a spirit companion, much of my hope of an eternal partnership and relationship would be lost to me?⁣
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[𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒘𝒂𝒔… 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝒔𝒍𝒂𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆.⁣]
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      As I shuffled, one card fell out. So I set it in front of me, stating: “𝑂𝑘𝑎𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒’𝑠 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑. 𝑂𝑛𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒.” I continued shuffling until another card fell out. And set that one beside the first and put the rest of the deck away. And said, “𝑂𝑘𝑎𝑦. 𝑊𝑒 𝑔𝑜𝑡 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒.” (But I was also behaving in a dismissive and flippant manner, not taking it seriously and also assuming that the cards would be mumbo-jumbo and make no sense). 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠.⁣
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      When I flipped over the first card, it was the “𝑸𝒖𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝑺𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔” (in reverse). I paused and my cold attitude faltered, and I said; “𝐻𝑢ℎ… 𝑊𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝐼 𝑔𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑏𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑑.” Then when I flipped over the second card, all my doubt and indignant self-preservation pride deflated. It was “𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒐𝒍” card, also in reverse.⁣
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      Here are the meanings, so it can be openly known just how much of a Fool I truly was, for my poor attitude tonight:⁣
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      The card belonging to my spirit companion, representing her state-of-being at that time, was the “𝑸𝒖𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝑺𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔” (𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆). Which means (based on a couple handbooks I have):
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“𝐹𝑒𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑑𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑎𝑟𝑟𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡, 𝑎𝑏𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑚𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝑠𝑒𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑄𝑢𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑆𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑢𝑠𝑒𝑠 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝑟. 𝑅𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑐𝑢𝑡 𝑑𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠, 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑢𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑒𝑓𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠. 𝑆ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑢𝑙𝑒𝑠 𝑢𝑛𝑏𝑖𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑑, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒 𝑄𝑢𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑠𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑤𝑛𝑒𝑟’𝑠 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑙 𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑎𝑐𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑙𝑜𝑢𝑑𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑖𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑜𝑐𝑢𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑑. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓, 𝑏𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠.”⁣
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      ⁣Next, the card belonging to myself, representing my state-of-being tonight in this situation was; “𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒐𝒍” (𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆), which means:
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“𝑁𝑒𝑔𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑎𝑏𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑠, 𝑎𝑝𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑦, 𝑛𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦, 𝑣𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑡𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐹𝑜𝑜𝑙 𝑖𝑛 𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝑠𝑖𝑔𝑛 𝑜𝑓 ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑑/𝑜𝑟 𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑜𝑓 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑓𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒. 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑏𝑒 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑓𝑒𝑎𝑟 𝑜𝑓 𝑓𝑎𝑖𝑙𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑐𝑒𝑒𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑏𝑒 𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑏𝑎𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑔𝑜𝑎𝑙, 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑓𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑢𝑛𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑛. 𝐴𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑜 𝑓𝑜𝑐𝑢𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑜𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑜𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑗𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑦. 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝐹𝑜𝑜𝑙 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑝𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑟𝑒𝑒, 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑢𝑛𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑛.⁣
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      After reading the message and meaning behind those two cards; it shut me up fast! And it began to weep. Because I realized plainly what I had just done.
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      In my Statement of Intent, I specifically mentioned and added; that I respect Lilith’s autonomy and free will, so do I honor Her daughter’s. I wanted, specifically, my companion to retain her free-spirit & autonomy to come and go as she pleases. But, when I consider the past few days since the Bonding ceremony; not once during that time did I set aside special “her & I” time. I didn’t make a plan, I didn’t coordinate. I didn’t even mention anything about the possibility of sitting down to focus on developing our communication. ⁣

　Instead, I spent the better part of my free time; wasting opportunities to reach out to my companion with lazy-passivity and electronic entertainment to wile-away the hours. Then! All the sudden, ‘out-of-the-blue’ (from her perspective, no doubt), I randomly decided on a Friday night, after dropping off the kids, that; “It’s time we communicate!”⁣
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      Never once considering whether she may be busy or not. Completely selfish of me. Then I get frustrated when my methods to interact are faltering… I am exactly as the (reversed) Fool card says: “Negligent, absent, careless, apathetic and behaving in a vain manner. I lack confidence; both in my communication, but even more so: in fear that she will not desire me. Which likely makes me appear ‘weak’ (to her). I am acting recklessly, because I’m so focused on “building a relationship now, to have a jump-start on our eternity.” Sheesh! That sounds desperate, now that I write it.⁣
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      I, again, haven’t even considered the spirit’s opinion on that monumental matter. I do need to slow down, live in the moment and enjoy a more comfortable pace in getting to know her. I’m once again, allowing my impatience to get ahead of me. ⁣
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      Her card, the reversed Queen of Swords, tells me; “She is likely sad and embarrassed by how these past few days have gone, and especially tonight. She’s felt the loss/hurt by my emotional absence and our separation, so soon, on the heels of our Bonding ceremony. She is there to help me and defend me, but also needs to tend to her own emotional well-being, especially in the wake of my dismissive and regrettable attitude this night.⁣
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      I can’t ask for an autonomous free-spirit, but then be upset when she isn’t at my every beck-and-call. It’s no wonder why I’m doubting having her True Name, her Enn and her Sigil. I certainly feel I haven’t earned her Name, Sigil, nor Enn. Furthermore; I think I may forgo using “Mia” as a ‘filler name’ for now (~𝑢𝑛𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙? ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑜𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑏𝑗𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒~). It’s not sitting well with me, given the uncertainty revolving around my confusion about the True-Name, double-sigil, and enn.